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By Drew Villano

Between the overwhelming number of people in the city and the hardened, bitchy attitude many NYC girls adopt to protect themselves against the countless douchebags running rampant, meeting girls can be pretty difficult in New York City. Here are some tips on what to do and what to avoid when trying to stick it to a hot NYC chick who seems like she’s already got a stick or two of her own.

I’m not going to spell out a bunch of lame pickup tactics for you to test out on various nutcrackers across the five boroughs. But I will tell you the truth: if you fail to disarm a girl with a shitty attitude within the first 60 seconds of talking to her, your chances have flown away into the sunset and you should probably move onto the next one.

Here is a list of do’s and don’ts which will decrease your chances of getting death stared out of the bar.

Don’t:

Image courtesy of Drew Villano

Image courtesy of Drew Villano

– Touch her. She doesn’t know you and if you put your hand on her waist, shoulder, or arm to introduce yourself, she probably doesn’t want to. Shake her hand if you must make physical contact. There’s nothing creepier than the sweaty hand of a stranger sliding around your waist like an abdominal predator. And besides, the whole point is to make her want it. Don’t be gropey.

– Start the conversation with a line about how “hot” you think she is.

Do:

– Offer to buy her a drink. Chivalry isn’t (completely) dead. Yet.

– Ask her opinion about something. It doesn’t really matter what it is, but this is a much more interesting question (and easier conversation-starter) than a generic stock inquiry like “Where do you work?” or “Are you from around here?”

Approaching girls with piercings and tattoos

I’m going off on a tangent here because I am a girl with both of these things who has been approached by many guys who hold the novel aspect of tattoos and piercings in such high regard that they are practically fetishizing over it. And although one with modifications can only expect to be scrutinized for them, the way a lot of men approach these women is an immediate turn-off.

So Don’t:

Image courtesy of Drew Villano

Image courtesy of Drew Villano

– Ask if it hurt. It did hurt. And even if it didn’t, so what? Where do you go from there? Whenever I say “no,” the answer is always, “Hmm.” Whenever I say, “yes,” the answer is exactly the same. There is such a thing as stupid questions and this is one of them. Just don’t.

– Ask what other tattoos she has. If you’re lucky, you’ll get the rundown some other time. Talk to her like a normal human being, not a novelty.

– Even allude to her genitals. No pussy piercing jokes, no nipple piercing jokes, no anything that has anything to do with her nasty bits at all, even a little bit. Even in “good humor,” which it isn’t; it’s obnoxious and gross. And for all of you who are like “Oh good lord, who would do that?!” The answer is “a lot of men in NYC.”

– Talk about your own tattoos. Unless she asks you about them, she probably doesn’t give a shit.

– Ask dopey questions about her piercings. This includes but is not limited to:

Doesn’t it get caught on stuff?

Does it still hurt?

What happens if you want to take it out? Will you have a scar?

How do you hold a job?

Do your parents care?

Neglect to mention her modifications and treat her like any other girl who doesn’t have those things; this will increase your chances of receptivity by, like, a million percent.

Even if you’re the hottest guy on the fucking planet, girls don’t want to be made to feel like some shiny, novel toy being stared at through plastic packaging. You also have to realize that every girl with even a single tattoo or piercing has been approached countless times with all the shit I’ve just told you not to do. It’s annoying, it’s old, it’s unoriginal and it’s thoughtless. You’re better off complimenting her shirt or something arbitrary like that, like her hair or her shoes or the color of her nail polish.

Happy hunting.

 

Featured image courtesy of Tumblr

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