looney-tunes-thanksgiving
By Jon Weidman

Can tryptophan induce guilt? Something occurred to me in my post-Thanksgiving comedown as I was driving home with my parents, stomach bursting and craving a smoke that my mother firmly told me I could not have in her presence. I sulked and sulked until a nagging little thought emerged from my agitated haze. These problems that seemed so urgent and unfair were actually both trivial and totally fair – a result of me eating too much pie and indulging in a masochistic luxury.

I felt a sudden second wind – this was still Thanksgiving after all, and it was time to be fucking thankful for stuff. What stuff? Family? Friends? Obviously. What about the trivial stuff that you never think about that makes life great?

Moisturizer

Courtesy of Panda Whale

Courtesy of Panda Whale

Man, it sucks having dry skin on your face. You’re conscious of it every time you change your expression. It feels like your skin is going to crack and fall off. No one wants that. But you know what’s even worse? When you don’t have moisturizer and you have to put some shitty oily body lotion on your face. You know what I’m talking about, it dries out in two seconds and then your skin feels like spilled-on fabric. But someone invented moisturizer! Thanks, pal.

Multiple phone chargers

Image courtesy of Hollywood Elsewhere

Image courtesy of Hollywood Elsewhere

This is something that just seems to happen over time. No one knows how, and no one pays much attention. But the fact is, when you buy an iPhone it comes with one cord. Yet, I don’t know a single person that doesn’t have multiple cords lying around their apartment. And double yet, I certainly don’t know anyone who has paid for an individual cord sans phone. With no rational explanation for this phenomenon, it must be an act of God. Thanks, God.

Rappers that aren’t dead

Image courtesy of The Hip Hop Update

No one ever forgets to thank Tupac or Biggie for their artistic contributions. But does anyone ever really think about how rad it is that most of your favorite rappers are alive? I remember when Rick Ross had a bunch of seizures and TMZ was flinging death rumors around like used tissues, it really jarred me. I didn’t realize how much Rick Ross’ life meant to me, personally. Well, it’s time to be thankful for our living rappers – particularly the obese ones with health problems just hangin’ on. Thanks, Rick Ross.

Not having a sore throat

funny-seal-opening-mouth

I don’t know if most people feel this way, but for me sore throats are equal parts pain, shock and incredulity. Every time I have one I swear I’ll never take pain-free speaking and swallowing for granted again. Life without a sore throat is utopian. I’m lucky enough to have a solid respiratory situation and avoid this problem the majority of the time. Thanks, majority of the time.

Boxer shorts

Image courtesy of The Sports Doctor

Image courtesy of The Sports Doctor

Did you know these have only been around since 1925? 1925! Until less than a century ago we lived in a world where freedom and pants were mutually exclusive. Then a man named Jacob Golomb, founder of Everlast, came along and changed the game. Thanks, Jacob Golomb.

 

Featured image courtesy of Chronicle

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