By Jon Weidman

I’ve always found it funny when in hypothetical lottery winning situations someone inevitably says “you wouldn’t even know what to do with all that money.” That’s fucking stupid. If there’s one thing I learned growing up in New York City it’s that there are infinite ways to spend dough and all of them are awesome. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure can make it easier to pursue.

I know exactly what I would do with all that money, which is whatever the hell I want. It is my firm opinion that if you don’t know how to spend money you’re either boring or dumb.

To prove my point, I’ve laid out the ten things I would do, immediately and in order, were I to suddenly receive some incomprehensibly vast sum of money.

1. Buy a pound of weed

Sorry I’m not sorry. Do I really need a pound of weed? No. But nothing would help my newfound wealth sink in faster than exactly one US standard pound of weed.

2. Have dinner at Per Se

Because off the top of my head I can’t think of a more expensive restaurant in New York City. I’d gather all my best friends and order literally every single thing on the menu at Per Se.

3. Big time strip club outing

Oh, don’t fucking judge me. So far as I can tell, strip clubs represent a true directly proportionate relationship between money and fun. Which is interesting from a scientific standpoint, and should be investigated.

4. New apartment

Sorry, I meant apartments. And houses. All over the world. Not sure where. Don’t really care. Definitely one in Greenpoint and one in the East Village (no more biking over the bridge for this guy!).

5. New socks and underwear

House shopping gets overwhelming. Here’s another relatively small purchase a la the pound of weed that would instantly give me that rich man’s glow. After a ritual burning of all socks and underwear that have no sentimental value (those get framed), it’s off to whatever the richer version of Barney’s is to give my toes and testicles the cashmere caress they deserve.

I’m rich now I can talk like that.

6. Book a one-way trip to somewhere rad

Would probably literally do that thing where you spin the globe and go wherever it lands – one-way ticket.

7. Mass text to all girls who’ve rejected me

Because now that I have not a care in the world and the means for frequent Big Time Strip Club Outings, I have the ability to get closure on everything. Poor responses would be met with maniacal all-caps derision while positive responses would probably also be met with maniacal all-caps derision.

8. Another big time strip club outing

Cuz why not.

9. Major nap

Between the weed, the huge meal, the multiple strip club trips, shopping and vindictive texting, I think I’m finally ready to jump into bed for a bit.

10. Charity and other shit

I swear.


Featured image courtesy of Respect Magazine

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