By Jon Weidman

Last week I wrote about all the shortcomings to which I’ve resigned myself. It was a funny exercise, rapping your knuckles against the translucent ceilings of life. But I think it’s important to acknowledge all the things that you can’t change in order to truly tackle the things you can. Like how you have to throw out all the random things you’ve been hoarding around your apartment before you can properly clean it. Which is my first real, achievable and totally reasonable resolution advice for 2014. If you’re smart, you’ll spend all the whole year following these to a fucking T.

Throw Shit Out

I’m no hoarder. I don’t have much money. Yet somehow I do have a lot of shit. All kinds of shit. Clothes that don’t quite fit. Uselessly scratched non-stick pans. Sneakers I haven’t worn in years. Bags and boxes for things that were long ago opened and unpacked. It’s hard to let things go in the first world – especially when you’re relatively broke. There’s this lingering sense that you might, at some point, need everything. But you don’t. What you need is space. Start throwing shit out.

Only Read Great Things

I’m reading a great book right now. When you’re in the midst of a great book, it weirdly filters your perspective on everyday life. Everything feels a bit more romantic, as if there’s a rich story beneath all the banal bullshit of the world. It also kind of reaffirms your general sense of optimism re: humanity. We are capable of great and stimulating manmade things. The great thing about great books is that there is literally an endless supply of them. We have them in excess. So I implore you not to waste valuable reading time the shit nonsense that pollutes our relationship to the written word. I’ll leave it up to you to decide what that is for yourself.

Say ‘No’ More Often

To favors you can’t handle; to girls you don’t like; to free shit you don’t want; to parties you’re not invited to; to overpriced concerts at shitty venues; to ordering crap food instead of taking ten minutes to prepare something yourself.

Say ‘Yes’ More Often

To drinks with friends you don’t see often; to girls you do like; to exciting but inconvenient plans; to other people’s advice; to as much live music as possible; to the trial and error approach in general; pretty much any travel plan.

Don’t Lie to the Opposite Sex

This is something I discovered during an entirely single 2013. It’s an exclusive gem of a secret that I’ll share with you so that you can enjoy totally not-sketchy (I think) bachelorship. Always tell the truth about everything to every person you have any kind of relationship with, whether it’s one night or a three nights a week. Say it confidently, with an earnest face, no matter the question. No, don’t just bluntly say, “yes I’m sleeping with other people and you and I will never seriously date.” Say it gently. Say it compassionately. And if you lack compassion, be honest about that too. If you never lie, you’re always right.


Featured image courtesy of Larry Medcalfe

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