Ian Gavan/ Getty Images News/ Getty Images Ian Gavan/ Getty Images News/ Getty Images
By Jon Weidman

So I was supposed to write part two of my apartment-in-shambles odyssey this week, but the happy truth is that I got in touch with my landlord and everything got fixed. He also gave me an appropriate break on my rent. However, describing that in five hundred words would be hella boring.

What has been going on in my life, and something I do feel compelled to write about, is far more important. I’ve been managing several edit projects in different time zones and basically working around the clock on something incredibly urgent and scrutinized. COMPELLING IN AND OF ITSELF? No. But I have seen both the bright and dark sides of coworker behavior under situations of extreme pressure, in an extremely condensed format. And that makes for some interesting observations.

From that experience, both the good and the bad, I think I’ve developed a set of essential workplace attitude-behavior guidelines that everyone – and I mean everyone – has to know. Adhere by the rules below and you will be a valued and respected member of any team. Break them and risk the gravest of consequences (everyone will hate you).

 

DO NOT EVER COMPLAIN ABOUT HOW BUSY YOU ARE

No one gives a shit. We’re all busy. Or we’re not busy, but have absolutely no desire for you to harsh our mellow and try to make us feel guilty about it. You will get no pity. You will give off the impression that you either a) pity yourself or b) can’t handle your workload. And you will pretty much just generally be a fucking buzzkill. So keep it to yourself.

DO NOT EVER COMPLAIN ABOUT HOW TIRED YOU ARE

Pretty much all the same notes from above apply here. The one exception being that if someone says, “you must be tired” it is OK to respond “yes.” Otherwise you just look like some fucking douchey wannabe G.I. Joe. NEVER TIRED BRO. #RISEANDGRIND. #TEAMNOSLEEP. No one wants that. Just don’t bring it up unless you are properly provoked.

DO NOT BE A FUCKING CRYBABY WHEN YOU GET NEGATIVE FEEDBACK

Awwwww. Somebody told you your work sucks? And they didn’t mince words? They just gave you pointed, honest feedback? Wow, such an asshole that somebody is. Except wait – does it suck? It probably does. They’re probably way more experienced than you and way better qualified to judge what sucks and what does not (disregard this if that somebody is a client). And you probably just got the most constructive criticism possible: honest criticism. So wrap up the fucking pity party, and the “gosh my boss is an asshole” party, and get back to work. And fucking fix it.

DO NOT PANIC

Holy crap is there a sadder and/or more frustrating sight than watching someone you work with just completely fall into a panic? Whether that panic manifests in discouraged inertia, or schizophrenic emailing, or tears, or anger, or gas, it’s all the same: totally fucking unproductive, pathetic, and indicative of a person you do not want to be “in the shit” with. So even if your anxiety has reached dog whistle pitch, hide it. Take a deep breath. Make shit better.

 

Otherwise we’ll all hate you.

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